In a previous video blog post when we discussed the components of LOVE, we talked about Valuing the drinker. Unfortunately that video seemed to provoke a bit of controversy. Some people liked what we said, some were a bit less sure and a couple were upset by it.
We can honestly say that the last thing we want is to upset people. So, to try and further clarify what we were trying to say in the video, we have recorded a couple more to be more explicit. Hopefully, these will help.
The first video is a personal one by Lou. The second video discusses the impact of how John’s boss treated him and how he owes that man a huge debt today and also how he learned from that man’s change of heart.
Here are links to all the videos in the series on LOVE
LOVE an alcoholic – You must be joking
L is for letting the negatives happen
O is for Optimise your time when they are sober
5 Replies to “Positivity and Pragmatism”
Thank you Lou! All, so true. If I came across any other way in my comments or an email, I never meant any negativity toward you. Yes, it is very, very frustrating and takes a lot of strength to pull away from this ugly behavior that my hubby refuses to take responsibility for. My problem at this point is I am struggling a lot with wanting to love him again. The cut has been so deep that I am afraid I cannot heal. I hear myself and it is NOT me, as you pointed out. I was happy, funny, silly, and full of energy…his behavior has slowly sucked it all from me and I am doing my best to regain myself. For over 30 years I have been the only one working on our marriage, and now I feel like I have to take responsibility for yet more. That is where my frustration comes to a head. Thank you.
My sister lives with an alcoholic, my aunt lives with an alcoholic. Their lives are the same. My sister got married for the first time at 55, this is his third marriage. I have watched in 10 years her life go downhill, her hopes and dreams disappear, and the life sucked from the very marrow of her bones. My aunt grew up in a home where there was no alcohol and married a man that used to hide in the forest at night to be away from his violent alcoholic father. His mother would flee the scene and go into her own mother’s home, leaving the kids at home to fend for themselves when she could take it no longer. My aunt a nurse has turned into a hate filled, reactive, shell, inert and hateful towards everyone and everything. I think in both cases any other choice, but the one staying with an alcoholic would have been better. Love does not conquer all. The only solution with an alcoholic is to leave anything else is a fools errand. Life is about the choices that we make. Leave and see how soon you are replaced it will make your head spin.
Thanks for your response. I’m so sorry that alcoholism has touched your life so deeply and so frequently. Sp, its really understandable why you feel the way you do. However, many drinkers can and do recover. I’m one of them and there are many more like me. Also, the people who come to Bottled Up, and Alanon and other agencies, come because they are looking for a solution that does not involve leaving. That being said, for some people, leaving is the only sensible option, especially if there is abuse involved.
Just watched the 2nd video as well…thank you both. This is the only place, (online) where I have support and I look forward to listening to you both as you share your life stories and struggles…I do have a question…just HOW do you get to the point where you are not scolding, criticizing, etc.? I have tried, and to my drinker, he then thinks it’s all okay. I am lost when it comes to the solution.
Thank you both.
I would like to say a huge Thank You to Lou and John for opening my eyes to practical, insightful and intelligent concepts for living consciously with my drinker.
Listening to the “Bottled Up” videos has helped me to build clear behaviour boundaries that allow space for both my drinker and me. That space has encouraged love and respect to move back in, and where there was resentment (on both sides), there is now more peace and harmony.
I continue to learn from each video that Lou and John produce.
I will be always grateful for their wisdom and support.