V is for valuing your drinker. It is all too easy to forget your drinker’s good points, the things that attracted you in the first place. Hardly surprising, if s/he is drinking excessively and become undependable and lies about the drinking, it is difficult to have positive feelings towards them.
If your feelings are becoming increasingly negative (again, not surprising) then they can leak out, or even just become the way that you communicate with them. If that is the case then, unknowingly, you may be exacerbating the problem, both for the drinker and for yourself.
In this video we explore how you might start to reverse this process and feel better about your drinker, and about yourself.
Thanks for that video. The problem is, when you say value your drinker and remember what brought you together – that’s all buried under years of resentment and chaos and I sometimes I think – what is there left of that person I did love? What is left to love?
My thoughts as well ↑ The damage is deep.
Having watched this ( excellent) video I was left thinking why shouldn’t the boot be on the other foot, doesn’t the partner have any value? Why remember the rose tinted past and ignore the grim reality of the present? I retired from a very fulfilling job just pre- pandemic and the last 20 months has brought my husband’s escalating problem into sharper focus. He is out of the house for at least 10 hours daily, visiting his ( single) best friend and drinking buddy, with an ever wider list of excuses, then driving home. Our joint friends are wary of meeting us together in case unpleasantness develops as he is abusive towards me, my friends and family when drunk. My friends avoid him like the plague as they think he treats me so badly and I cannot meet his band of drinking buddies ( mostly single men whose relationships have broken down or are in trouble), no doubt because I have been painted as the wicked witch.
When we have a sober discussion about this he says that, at 77, he is happy to die at any time so doesn’t intend changing his behaviour in any way. He always promises – not to drink less- but not to drive when over ( his personal) limit. If we spend any time together outside the house his first thoughts are always where the next drink is coming from, nowhere without access to alcohol is a possibility. I feel that at 71 I have plenty of living yet to do, my friends and children urge me to leave and restart out on my own, but the main problem is that we live in a beautiful place that neither of us wish to leave. The grandchildren adore it and I don’t see why his behaviour should force me out. He says he will never leave the property but cannot afford to buy me out. I have considered moving into a caravan on site, but again why should I lose out on our home? I spend time away with friends and family but cannot trust him to look after our many animals for very long, not to mention the frequent abusive phone calls during my absence.
You say the partner should look at themselves and consider change- how? By driving him out to different watering holes and waiting for the inevitable verbal abuse? I feel like a voluntary housekeeper who never knows when the Man of the house might deign to return for a meal. So please don’t limit the Value side of things to the faint memory of a once good relationship, we need to value ourselves and be valued by others in order to survive.
I also see your side of things since I go through this on a daily basis myself. I know there is nothing that I can do to change his thinking..even telling him I would leave if I could…he doesn’t care or maybe he doesn’t think I will do it, knowing I have no income. In my mind, I have already left though..I try and try to express how this has ruined us and he looks straight ahead. He doesn’t want to change at all. What he wants is me to conform to him, as usual. It is more than difficult to deal with and I truly do not know what the future brings. When I think of “Love” I no longer feel I am in love with him..I care about him as a person, but it is hard to respect someone who has no regard for anyone but themselves. Sad time in life, for sure.
Thank you so much for this – it’s very timely advice. My other half has succumbed to the lure once again, despite being told he has less than 6 months to live if he drinks. And I’ve grown increasingly angry with him. This video has given me pause for thought. I love him. I just need to focus on that – and the qualities that drew me to him. And perhaps slowly the boat will turn.
Yes…lost sight completely but he doesn’t want to hear about what could be better or what was better..he goes into the “poor me” self pity mode and will only reflect on it for the moment, then right back to his ways and his stubborn mindset…actually, I am not sure there was “better”.. It was just that I enabled it, was part of it, and went along with it…and now I am not going to any longer. After 34 years, It is my time and our time, as I see it. I feel a lot of this is the lack of good communication and rationalizing the issue…don’t want to hear it, not willing to talk it over, not willing to own it and not willing to put themselves in our position to see what we see.
John, when your wife left, how did you feel? Were you mad at her, did you drink more, did your eyes open up? Did you ever apologize to her when you realized the impact your drinking had? I realize you are now married to Lou, but I am curious as to how things ended.
Thank you both for another thought provoking video.
The video was good and does make one think about your partner and how things were in the beginning when you first married. But I agree with Ema – value is hard to consider when you know how the person was but know how they are now. Over the years and how a person has been treated or talked to makes it very hard love the person. I keep telling people it is not that I totally hate him, I still love him but only during the day. My husband is what they call a night time acholuric and in our house from 4:00 on is hell, he can drink a whole bottle of wine in an hour and half and then the rest of evening is shot. I also have been told I should just leave things will not change however I also love my house and where we live. Also the things in the house I have contributed to and can not see having to leave it behind. And the other reason I am still here is because of finance at age 70 I only have so much senior payment coming in. I have said if I was younger and still working I would be out of here. So taking stock of value in the past is tough.
I can relate to your comment. My husband too is a late afternoon night drinker. I an finding it very hard to see the good on him. When all I see is the drinking. I do resent him. And yes I do ay in my mind over and over the past arguments we have had. How do you get past this.