L is for letting the negatives happen. When an alcoholic drinks, negative things happen, the may get into arguments or fights, they may have an accident, they may fall asleep on the couch and never get to bed. There can be many negative outcomes.
Much as you may want to, it is not your responsibility to rescue them from these negatives. Indeed, if you do rescue them, you may be prolonging the drinking. One of the main reasons why people change (not just drinking but anything) is that that behaviour results in negative outcomes. So, for drinkers to change they need to come to associate drinking with consequences.
This video explores this topic further.
4 Replies to “L is for letting the negatives happen”
You’ve said it…they need to take the responsibility, but that is where hubby has no desire to change and wants me to keep “the protection” going. He is always the victim, and to him, he deserves this “happiness”. As far as his drinking and being around it, he doesn’t think having “a few beers” is a big deal, so he thinks his presence is wanted and even enjoyable. It is neither. I’m done with the pretend game, and yes, it has only hurt me, not helped our relationship.
Good for you, my mother left my father when I was 9, 3 little kids and no visible means of support, but she was brave. We met him 30 years later and he was still looking for all the answers at the bottom of the bottle, never did find them. Married 4 times after my mother, because alcoholics want someone to listen to them as they prattle on and on. It is a terrible addiction, the worst drug they could have legalized. Even during a pandemic all the beer and liqour stores were open when everything else was shutdown, they knew what a problem they would have if this very powerful drug was taken from the alcoholic, blood in the streets comes to mind. Run like your hair is on fire and leave them to their own devices or you will drown with them.
I don’t understand, is it an addiction or is it a choice. From my experience, in my family, there are two alcoholics, married, their daughter to cope with their drinking got involved in drugs, they live out in the country in an isolated area. The daughter ended up in Federal prison with a drug charge. These two used this as an excuse to drink more, poor them with this renegade daughter as if she was born bad. They never took any responsibility for what happened to this girl and don’t to this day. I don’t know what greater consequence you could experience then your daughter going to prison, but lots of alcoholics, never get it.
These are wise words, but so hard to put into practice. The drinker in my family is drunk pretty much 24/7, so there are no windows of opportunity to do nice things together. Unfortunately, the words of the experts saying “you mustn’t just stop drinking” are taken very serioiusly by the drinker and used to validate more drinking to avoid a seizure (of which there have been many). The availability of alcohol 24/7 is also not helping. – there is always a petrol station open for more supplies. All we can do is our best. Thank you Lou and John.