Can you detach from your drinker without feeling guilty and that you are betraying or abandoning your drinker? Does even the thought of detachment make you feel uncomfortable?
In this video we explore what we mean by detachment and how you might do it with a clear conscience.
12 Replies to “Is guilt free detachment possible?”
Very helpful, and could totally relate to everything you said
Thank you so much… I feel better and stronger
My husband always says I abandon him to go home/ bed early because I can’t stand watch him being drunk and do silly things ..
But I’m also not sure if I need / want keep detach from him, what’s the point of staying in this marriage
it is the behaviour, (ie the drunkenness) not the person that you detach from. You detach from that behaviour to try and keep the relationship alive.
If I go out and visit family and have a nice afternoon. I dread returning.
When I go home they are in bed asleep and drunk.
At what point is it that I do say, you need to stop this and ‘This can’t go on any more?’
It’s so difficult. I have been practising detachment on and off for several years. It’s come down to spending every evening in my bedroom while he drinks downstairs in front of the tv. His drinking has robbed our evenings together. I can’t even enjoy a single glass of wine without him trying to make me match his drinking. I have virtually stopped drinking at home.
He blames me for that breakdown bc i no longer spend any time with at all, but watching him drink sends me into an anxious spiral of “where the night will end up?”, so i avoid him all together. 🙁
I have the same situation, and the only alcohol I have is a 4 oz glass of wine, but hubby wants me to drink with him and I don’t. I always walk away and go to my room where I can get some peace and quiet. Most nights he comes in just before he is ready to go to bed and thinks those 10-15 minutes he chats away while I am trying to watch something, counts for quality time together. Those last minutes are about him.. his job, his music, him. We never talk about us or our future or our family, and everything we do talk about is forgotten by the next day, so I hear it all again. We now have separate rooms and that is my only sanity left. I think we have marriage problems and then there is alcohol to make it even worse. Have you noticed strange behavior? Last winter I would come downstairs to get a glass of water or something, and he would be sitting on a stool by the stove with the flame on and tell me he is cold. I have to admit, I reacted strongly about it and told him there is no reason to do that and that it is dangerous. We have a new furnace and all he has to do is turn it up. He tells me this is normal and lots of people do this. Would he be doing these dumb things sober? I think not. Best wishes to you..looks like we could both use a getaway lol.
I can relate to this so well – unfortunately for both you and I. I used to go sit in my car
but I’m tired f having to leave my own house. I stopped drinking at home and lost 15+ pounds. But that doesn’t make up for the fact that we have lost our relationship.
How do you cope with ‘detachment’ when your partner is trashing the house (not intentionally) – e.g being incontinent everywhere & breaking stuff?
So hard to just blame the behaviours whilst drunk. What about the decision when sober ie-to stop off after work or is that the need creeping in? I really thought small changes were happening but no! drinking and driving now -and Iv got to detatch from this. I did ask my partner why? Guess what he doesn’t know. Got plenty to say when drunk but just sits there after. Oh yes John its the shame n guilt etc- but for gods sake how long can his luck carry on – not just his life is it.??
My partner has moved out, because of his drinking. I have funded an apartment for him to live in, because he couldn’t. I phone him to see if he is ok, which he isn’t, and yes it does feel like babysitting. I have been out socially and feel guilty and always end up feeling sad about the whole situation.
After watching your video, I have made a decision to get on with life, guilt free. You are right, it is a dysfunctional situation, but I am not dysfunctional.
Thank you for providing the clarity I needed.
Curious, as to why you feel the need to enable your partner by funding him? I’m not trying to be disrespectful, but I do not understand why you don’t let him figure it out for himself…seems he will continue his pattern until he decides he’s hungry or needs a place to live and forced to get a job. Just a thought. Don’t mean to come across as a smartA