One of the issues that can hinder people forgiving someone that they feel has wronged them is the fear that they are just saying that “it was ok to hurt me” and that the wrong may be repeated.
In this video we discuss some of the delicate issues that surround forgiveness in a relationship where there is a problem drinker.
Thank you for the video. In my case, my husband is not the one doing anything wrong, he feels I am the one who should apologize to him instead. I am the one ruining things by asking him to get help. I am the one ruining things by not partaking in his drinking and lifestyle of listening to music and talking about it excessively. I love music, but he is obsessed by it and that is all he wants to talk about, so I am the one not cooperating when I leave the room. He would prefer if I sat down, had a drink, and then he could tell me stories about this and that singer and group. Yeah, that’s okay for quick info, but….and I don’t really drink and he knows that. Personally, I think he is selfish and that is the core of our relationship, and then add drinking on top of that and there is no room for a wife or a healthy relationship. There are no apologies–just resentment on both ends.
I feel this so much. I can no longer drink with my husband bc i refuse to match him drink for drink. He just keeps pushing and it has led to so much resentment. Even on new years day with friends, i politely refused a drink and he went into a heated spiral about me not wanting to join in and accusing me of wanting to ruin the day/evening.
It’s exhausting.
Hey John
it was not from Churchill or Twain but from the 16th century philosopher Michel de Montaigne that the worry quote stems from –
A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.
&
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened.
What if you forgive them over and over
And the alcoholic still continues to behave the same way
Well this video couldn’t have been more apt. Cause iv just fallen off my wagon of not saying things and trying my best! My partner has just gone back to work after a holiday and “normal” behaviour resumes. In his world its absolutely fine to drink & drive – never mind us his family -those other poor road users etc . So I just went into one! No point in putting his pathetic reponse.
KDKA my partner is the same – only talks about his work ,the kids put a ban on him talking on hols as a joke but deep down it wasnt. Also its why dont you have a drink with me your so up tight mellow abit! I like a drink but not indoors and not with him as that really is a trigger for him to drink more. Not the best time for me. The sad thing is I know the holiday was hard for my partner trying his ” best” not to spoil it but good he has spoilt so much. I could have predicted exactly what it would be like when back. Do I feel good about being right? No only sadden and disappointed. Regular emotions/feelings living with a drinker.
I think forgiving someone can be confused with making excuses for them, which is unhealthy and more about denial. I have been a bit too good at starting a ‘clean slate’ for about 15 years and I do believe it has perpetuated the problem. I wasn’t allowing myself to admit outwardly that my partner was wronging me and needed forgiving. And he has been more than happy to attribute my worries and anger about his drinking to the fact my dad was an alcoholic.
I am now clear in myself that what he has been doing is not acceptable and have much clearer boundaries about what is and isn’t ok and if he steps over those there will be consequences – like sleeping on the sofa.
So now if I forgive it is from a more awake place, and comes with a sense of gratitude and hope. He is trying!!