I feel I’m going mad – My drinker denies drinking

Making a pragmatic decision will be easier and quicker than searching for hidden bottles and getting into heated accusation and demands. If people begin to hide and lie about what they are doing, then we have to build in other ways of assessing their situations.

If your partner looks, smells and behaves as if he’s drinking, he probably is.

(You may need to explain this approach at some stage when your partner is sober).

10 Replies to “I feel I’m going mad – My drinker denies drinking”

  1. Not only does my spouse deny how much he is drinking, I am finding it hard to find support to validate that he is addicted and I am not the problem, as I was once told. by him, and when I talk to people or go to sites, nobody wants to tell me he is an alcoholic or an addict. He has said things to me like, “Don’t you want me to be happy?” His “happiness” has ruined our 30+ year marriage. He does just fine during the day, but in the evening, he says he has to have alcohol to be happy and to fall asleep. I’m not talking about a little glass of wine or a beer. He usually has an average of 6 drinks nightly and crams them in before bed. On the weekends, it is probably double the amount, and he gets stupid, wants to argue, doesn’t remember anything, becomes irresponsible–like leaving lights on, the door open, and once, falling asleep behind the wheel and having no memory how he got home. He then blamed me because I told him to stay where he was as long as he likes…had he left earlier, it wouldn’t have happened, so he says.
    7 nights a week are for him and his “happiness.” As a wife, I am not entitled to just one of these nights for the two of us. Even sex, and I hate to bring that subject up, is odd..he has to have sex between a certain time on a given Saturday night, so that he has time to drink afterward. I feel like I’m on a schedule and I feel like it is not a natural feeling but a forced task on both of our parts. This is a rare occasion in itself because of his desire to drink than to be with his wife. That doesn’t bother me as much as him telling me I have made a big deal over nothing. “Nothing” has cost us our happiness, our connection, and having normal lives. When our kids were young, I was so focused on being a mom and having many responsibilities, that I did not notice how distant he was and how much he was drinking. He also worked nights, so it was not evident. It’s when he finally got a day shift position that it all became clear….that his family is not the focus of his happiness and not first on his list. I am tired of being the one who always has to back down and make excuses for him. There has been very little “us” time, and I am not even sure what a normal marriage is supposed to look like. We sort of live separate lives but in the same home. That is not how I grew up and I don’t like anything about it.

    1. Thank you for sharing your story. I fell in love with a man, and before the close of one year, I had discovered the victim mentality, the blaming others, and nightly drinking pattern that you describe. I am glad for your story because I just left the relationship and have learned loving someone and giving them your all does not guarantee the same in return. Sad to leave the good man but not sad to leave the self-centered part.

  2. I don’t think you need someone to put the label on the problem. You are entitled to be happy too and need to be strong to take the control back for yourself. I would recommend watching more of the videos. They have helped me and my partner of 10 years is in a rehab clinic at present for 4 months. It sounds like you have to identify your options, the positives and negatives then act.

  3. I have done nearly all the things mentioned in the video re the searching – the accusations – pouring down the sink etc. You would think after 20+ years I would know it makes things worse. The thing is that the drinking and the drinker have taken over far too much of ME and MY life. So findng Bottled Up has been a blessing. Lou and John thank you. I have been trying hard to put into actions your advise and it has really helped. There is a long way to go.
    Like John said its not often that the partner gets it wrong about them drinking.

  4. I’m so grateful for this group I’ve found! Thank you all for your valuable time and insight. This is what I was searching for.

  5. I have just found bottled-up and find it very helpful and reassuring that my family and myself are not on our own, we have been struggling with my daughter who has now moved back in with us after her marriage breakdown for nearly two years, my husband and I find we cannot live the lives we want to live after taking early retirement. We have had to learn the hard way to cope with situations with my daughter, I have tried to seek help from anywhere and everywhere but always hit a brick wall, so to hear things you both share with us is most welcoming, we are still struggling and still learning how to cope from day to day so any help on how to cope and indeed how to stay strong will be gladly welcomed, so a BIG thank you from me Gail

    1. Glad you find it helpful. There is much more help, tips and support in the member area. There is also a guided program that you may ind useful. Best of it is, its all FREE.

  6. These two videos really resonated with me, my husband has admitted he is an alcoholic, however frequently drinks and hides it. He blames me for being crazy and not trusting him. 10 years of searching for bottles. Counting the drinks not trusting my own reality.
    I am grateful to a new approach to try. I have been focusing more and more on myself and my children. Leaving my husband to it. I no longer push him to be involved. Thank you bottled up . I’m grateful for the support

  7. I really do resonate with the comments above. I am very much in this circle that KDKA has mentioned too. We’ve been for over 13 years and the ‘drinking’ is the big elephant in the room. I am told it’s me and I am overreacting, he pulls at the heart strings for the reasons he drinks and tell me he knows he should cut down…but he’s been saying this for years. My concern is that he’s starting to become really ill and being sick, and its happening more regularly now. I don’t clean up anymore, I know this might sound horrible but I feel if I keep cleaning up/ hiding it, then he’s not seen what has happened. I feel very lonely and I’ve just watched the secrecy video too and it’s certainly given me things to think about. I really am at a cross roads as I don’t want this pattern of behaviour to continue but I am not sure how it can change if they continue to think there is no issue and of course, I worry for their health now with this change in them coping with the amount of drink they have. I’ve started taken myself away as suggested and I don’t keep them company but it really is hard. I am glad I found this website a few years ago as I’ve found the information helpful. It’s been really hard to find support for those who are the loved ones of the drinker and where we can go, how we can help or help look after ourselves. How do you find the connection with your partners when they are sober? I find this hard as they normally don’t get up until really late and I like the suggestion of doing something together, but they never want to do anything or we’ve got to fit it round whatever sporting fixture is on the TV. I am planning to start doing things more for me and maybe go away, and now COVID restrictions are lifting I can go and visit my family and friends as they’ve not been close by to see them. It’s been very isolating.

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