Whose problem is it anyway?

A common question that we are asked is “Is s/he an alcoholic?” The question is often accompanied by “or am I just making a fuss about nothing?” Our answer often surprises people as we tend to look at alcohol problems a bit differently.

In this video we expand the traditional view of alcohol problems from the individual drinker.  We feel that by doing this, you get a more realistic assessment of the issue, it makes it more straightforward to discuss it with your drinker and it gives more scope for change,

17 Replies to “Whose problem is it anyway?”

  1. Enabled this for over 30 years, waiting for “my” turn, which never comes, so yes, I am guilty for enabling, but no, I am tired of taking ownership for something I have not done and something I have tried so very hard to help my husband realize, especially the last 4 years when the S**T hit the fan and our relationship went down the tubes. He is the one not willing to compromise. He is the one not willing to admit there is a problem. He is the one not caring that I have told him I would leave if I had the option. He doesn’t care and wants me to do all the work. He says if I just backed off, we would both be happy. That is not a compromise in any way, and to me, a very selfish way to conduct a life long relationship..but again, I hear it is my problem. My problem, in that I am sadly married to a stubborn, selfish man who is more concerned about drinking than to give this situation one ounce of consideration. There is no talking about it any more. There is no tip toeing around it anymore, there is no love anymore. I have also told family and friends our secret. I am tired of hiding his addiction so that he looks good, while I suffer and have to be the “Good Wife” while denying myself happiness and sanity. The last straw was last year when he fell asleep behind the wheel, drove through a few yards, and miraculously came back out on the road and drove home. He had no memory of it or where it happened, but the next day, we pieced it together while looking for a few car parts that were left along the way,,..he then blamed me for “allowing” him to stay longer than he should have, otherwise, would have been home earlier and not so drunk and this would have not happened then. WOW. This is what I deal with. Nope, done with the “my problem” bs. I have moved on mentally and living my life separately but in the same home. I have no choice. Honestly, there is no “real help” out there..it is all directed at being more sympathetic to the alcoholic and walking gently around their fragile minds. The victims are those of us who have to deal with it, yet we get little support.

    1. Hope you will not hide it- I’m sorry for your pain – & yes they & you need to find Love in Truth. Burn the candle to the ground

    2. Thankyou this is my life too I too have stopped hiding his drink problem and started telling people how much my partner drinks fortunately he never gets behind the wheel , I share your pain it is very frustrating you can’t plan things in case they might be drunk before you go , or upset someone through the drink talk . I find myself doing my own thing and happy if he goes to bed out the way . Hope you are ok .

      1. Thanks Susan. As we both know, drinking affects ever aspect of our lives, (private areas as well). We sleep in separate rooms now unfortunately. As far as planning anything…drinking has to fit into it somehow. He just thinks this is his right…he deserves it..he likes it and I should be happy that it makes him happy…..on and on. It’s never about us as a couple or how I feel. Never. Take care and keep strong. I appreciate these replies..they help.

    1. Thank you for understanding, and I am also sorry you are going through the same. The enormous amount of stress put me in the hospital last year and it’s just not worth it, but I feel it creeping up again and need to distance myself. These years of stepping aside has been a lot to deal with. Take care.

  2. KDKA. I too can empathise and relate with what you wrote. I have been married 30 years and for the most part my wife has been a binge drinker. She accepts being an alcoholic and, when under the influence, her deceitful and defensive behaviour is very difficult to live with. Aside from “Bottled Up”, I have found little meaningful support for those living with an alcoholic and presumably, the same applies across the addiction spectrum. It can be a lonely and frustrating existence but you are not alone and thank you for sharing your heartfelt comments.

    1. Thank you so much. I also sympathize with your situation and completely understand. Sometimes it feels like there is nowhere to turn. We only have so much time on this Earth and we should be able to make the very best of it. Take care

  3. Thank you so much. I also sympathize with your situation and completely understand. Sometimes it feels like there is nowhere to turn. We only have so much time on this Earth and we should be able to make the very best of it. Take care

  4. I think your words and life are true for so many people/families. I went away for a few days for a much needed break. I just asked my partner with no malice or sarcasm if he would be ok and that the house would be safe ie remember to lock up turn things off etc. Do you know! he walked off in a right huff said I was nagging and that night got wankered- sorry if that word offends. The mess I got up to.! Why could he not just put his arm round me and say look dont worry I will and the house will be ok???
    I think I am also just living my own life with him in the house. Take care KDKA

    1. I’m sorry to hear Kim….my husband treats me like I am a servant..he rarely helps with anything and if I ask, he plays dumb and doesn’t understand, so he says. . It gets old..I realize he is the type of person who wants to walk away from anything and everything he doesn’t want to deal with, whether it’s a favor, like you mentioned, or getting help for his addiction. There is very little, if anything, that he takes a stand on to get the ball rolling. That is my job..just like it is up to me to overlook his drinking. I do my best to keep busy..it’s the only thing I can do. I hope you can find some peace as well. Thanks.

  5. I wish you all well in dealing with your alcoholic partners.
    The most difficult thing I ever did was make him leave..but it has changed my life entirely.We separated four years ago after 32 years of marriage and have now finally sorted out the finances.
    It might be the bravest thing you ever do and there is help out there from organisations like Citizens Advice.
    Life is for living and not allowing selfish people to lie to you and manipulate you in pursuit of their addiction.

    1. Thanks Rosie for sharing about your journey. We are so glad that you are in a good place and life is good for you. We started Bottled Up to help people to cope with the alcohol problem in their lives. In the website people can find resources to help them leave and move on or to stay. What we realise is that this is a very personal, and individual, decision. Thanks again, we all need to hear the experiences of others.
      John

    2. Thank you Rosie….that is one of the hardest things to do. I have nothing to leave with and nowhere to go. I am also taking care of a family member (without pay) and I am committed to doing so. Best wishes on your new life 🙂

  6. Thank you Lou and John for putting into words what I have felt for a long time. The drinker in my family has had quite a few attempts at recovery (both private and on the NHS), and as John says, the family members have been always been kept at arm’s length. We have wanted to be involved, but I have never quite understood why we were never included in the process. Needless to say, the drinker has never recovered as 2 or 3 weeks after being “released” life returns to just how it was before rehab. If there is anything family members can do to aid the recovery process, please say! I am never too sure how much to intervene, or not intervene. I try to stay positive and tell the drinker “you can do it, don’t give up”. I am not sure if this is helpful or not. Thanks Lou and John for your support. (“There are passive smokers and passive drinkers” – excellent!!)

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