Scapegoating and Blame

These two videos were prompted by comments and questions from you as members.  When we can, we try to address the issues you raise.  Apart from anything else it means that we don’t need to wrack our brains for topics and we can be , reasonably, sure that we are talking about something that affects you.

In the first video we talk about scapegoating and blaming – that is when the drinker decides that it is all the fault of the family and/or partner.  Unfortunately this is all too common.

In the second video we talk about an issue that is raised often – childhood issues.  Many drinkers will cite childhood incidents, traumas or upbringing as the reason for their drinking.  This has led many family members to question whether we should be addressing these issues before we deal with the alcohol.  Find out our views on this by watching the video and have your say in the comments below.

6 Replies to “Scapegoating and Blame”

  1. The blame game goes on alot in my house. Its my fault he drinks because I dont like him drinking in front of the telly whilst our children are there so he goes out the back and drinks even more! Then theres me using his past to say “Thats why you drink”!!
    His dad was a drinker unpleaseant to people rude Emails nastsy phone calls. Well my drinker is exactly the same. . Nasty vile terrible texts etc but worse the stuff that has come out of his mouth!!. As a partner I just say and cannot understand why he would treat people the same way as his Dad did. I know John said other people have the same or worse times and dont turn to drink..
    Very difficult…

    1. I can totally identify with everything you’ve said Kim. My husband used to be like this. I have a very vivid memory of being in our kitchen and me, begging him to help me understand why he was drinking excessively and his response, an over half an hour diatribe of how awful I was. I ignore him, I do this, I do that. It was quite possibly the most hurtful experience I’ve had with him, and it is embedded in my mind.
      I hear you Kim, you’re not alone.

    2. Its the alcohol thats why he has turned into his father. I was the child of an alcoholic and thank God my mother got us out of the situation when I was nine. I was still affected regarding abandonment issues, but my mother had enough love for us to get us out of there. She had no job, no money, but took us home to our grandmother’s. I have no idea why anyone would knowingly stay with an alcoholic. The most compassionate thing you could do is leave, tell him to get to AA and if he doesn’t he is someone else’s problem. Think of your children they are being damaged on a daily basis. My father went on to marry 5 times and never did give up the bottle.

  2. This struck many chords. I was always the reason my ex partner drank. If I would beg her to drink less, or stop drinking, she would always come back with – how will YOU make my life less stressful so I don’t have to drink?

    Now that I have left (like John) her drinking has of course got much, much worse. But it is still my fault.

    I am finding this series very interesting, very helpful and I do wish I had found it before I left. But I think it will take my ex many years before she will consider seeking help and I couldn’t have waited (tried and failed for 15 years)

  3. These 2 videos just confirmed what I thought. I don’t live with the drinker in my family, but I more than aware that she holds others to account, along with life’s misfortunes, for her misery. The words that rung true were from John: “what you have very often is a child in a grown-up body” and “not regress, but not progress”. The drinking is such a long standing problem (over 20 years) that I struggle to see any way out until my sister understands that none of us can fix this for her. She tells me that her life is a mess (self-pity?), but I see no action on her part to make things better – the bottle is always the answer. Where does the motiviation to beat addiction and change her life come from? I try and do what I can to encourage her without nagging, and try to practise the LOVE acronym, but it just feels like I am hitting my head against a brick wall all the time. Lou and John, many thanks for your support.

  4. I haven’t spoken with my wife about her drinking for over a year. When I first addressed it, I did it in a very clumsy manner, I was desperate. Thankfully I have learnt some ways to cope and I compartmentalise it (much thanks to Lou and John) – but it still creeps in now and again. I hate the feeling of wondering whether tonight will be a night when she drinks and becomes a maudlin mess who doesn’t comprehend conversations and argues at anything. I was blamed when I first discovered her secret drinking, and even though I don’t talk about it now with her, I am now being blamed for her general state of mind. She got drunk on Friday night (seeking out vodka shots at a party!), yet according to her, her feeling rubbish is nothing to do with drinking, I’m to blame. I think it is easier for her to blame me (no matter how trivial or ridiculous it is) than look at herself.
    Don’t you just feel your going around in circles? If it wasn’t so damaging it would be almost laughable it is so ridiculous.

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