Here are another two videos in the Bottled Wisdom series, short videos which give a bite sized intro to aspects of the program. In this post we address two issues Talking to a drunk and Lying and drinking. We have addressed these issue elsewhere in more detail, however the goal of these videos in to give the flavour of our approach. The program addresses these topics in much more detail and depth. We highly recommend that you look at those resources for a more rounded picture.
The first of the videos looks at communication with the drinker when they are intoxicated,
Don’t pour petrol on a fire!! If you confront a drinker when he is drinking it usually makes things much worse.
The second video addresses an issue that seems to anger most (if not all) of you – Lying and drinking.
Lying and drinking usually go hand in hand. Your partner may be very truthful in all other areas. Similarly, if your trust is broken in one area, try not to let the mistrust contaminate all other areas. Don’t give the drink that much power!
11 Replies to “Drinking and Lying”
So far you haven’t gone into the cost of alcohol, which can drain the family budget. Also, the drunk does not contribute in any way to family chores – e.g. taking the bins out, vacuuming, washing up, mowing the lawn, and indeed is rather peeved when reminded that these jobs need doing. They will never offer spontaneously. Always on the receiving end of all this compassion, you wonder where it will end. Leave them alone, and presumably, they will kill themselves.
This video really struck a chord. My partner was a very honest person in general – but lied compulsively about her drinking. It did make me feel that I was going crazy. I wanted so badly to believe her as well. The lies at times were borderline plausible, other times insultingly implausible. Sadly for us – I had to leave with my son after 16 years. There was no chink of hope, no shift in denial. She now blames me for destroying her but it is she who is destroying herself through drink.
I found this really helpful. Thank you!
My partner has started the road to recovery and has considerably reduced his drinking although someway to go to sobriety -he has made massive inroads however I find I have no trust at all in him and wonder if this will ever come back now – after if there isn’t trust what is there ?
that is great news that your partner has started down the road to recovery. Unfortunately one of the big casualties of problem drinking is trust! It is so difficult to trust when someone lies and lets you down. Trust cannot just be switched on or off like a tap, even if the drinker is completely sincere about change. There are all the previous times when he/she was ‘sincere’ and then let you down. The good news though is that trust can return. As the drinker changes, and in particular maintains that change, then you can start to trust again. Trust is not something that is given – it is earned!
Lou and John
Thank you for the insight you give a family member about their alcoholic loved one. John I especially was interested in knowing how you felt about your drinking and how your related to it.
You have a brilliant website giving people truth, knowledge and explanation of the problem from both sides of the coin. Thank you so much
Thank you for telling us how knowing about the issue from the drinker’s side helps. We believe that it is one of the strengths of the website, that we approach the issue from both sides.
I think there is nothing worse than falling in love with an alcoholic. My sister lives with one, I just left one and my father was one. It is so much hard work and in the end I lost myself. I am now rebuilding my shattered self. I don’t drink at all and he used to brag to everyone about that fact. Although I loved him deeply, it was too much work for me. I know I can find someone else to have a relationship with where I am not constantly walking through a minefield. I am not an analyst I am just a woman. Alcoholism is a living death, and I want no part of it. I was with him 5 years and we never had an argument, I kept my cool, but in the end the alcohol won as it so often does.
so sorry that you have been so hurt by drinkers and we dearly hope that you do find that special someone who will love you as you deserve.
How true that you get lured into false hope when your drinker partner seems to open up when drunk. I have done this too many times at the wrong time and should dam well know they wont remember what was said. A vicious circle I want to get out of. Though listening to you both I think i have helped create part of this drinking monster with my actions. Like I said tools already from your videosthat I want to try and use.
This has been so helpful, I have just separated from my partner of 15 years, I tried everything but sadly he doesn’t see a problem, I had to leave for my own sanity.