Detaching from a drinker is often misunderstood. Some people think that it means breaking off contact or becoming very cold towards the drinker. In this video Lou and John try to explain what we mean by Detachment and how it can help you to cope with the situation.
Leave us a comment. Tell us about your thoughts or experiences of Detaching.
I have ‘detached’ from my relationship. He thinks I am the unreasonable one and will not budge. He says he likes drinking and I can see his annoyance with me. I have spoken about my feelings over and over, yet he will not budge. Alcohol is more important to him than intimacy. Alcohol is more important to him than anything. I was mad, hurt, annoyed, frustrated, and pissed, (that’s more than mad lol.) I’ve been through every emotion. There is no getting through to this man and he sees me as the problem. It’s over. I know. He can’t even look at me. I see the hatred on his face, although he claims he loves me. We all know when someone really loves us and when they say they love us; two different things. Talk is cheap, my mom used to say. Out of 7 nights, I get none. 7 nights are for him to drink. He thinks he has done enough during the day or during the time we are together. He does the easy stuff when he does put ‘his time in.’ The hard stuff is for me to deal with. I was recently in the hospital for 2 weeks. It was horrible and even worse when night came. I didn’t want to be alone. I asked him to please stay with me, but he wouldn’t…he wouldn’t because he needed to get home and gulp a few beers. He made every excuse as to why he couldn’t stay, but none were good. I got my sister to come 2 nights, so I was glad for that…this is what I mean..this is the hard stuff..asking someone to really be there for you. The easy stuff is where they look like they are great helpers to outsiders…like bringing me clean underclothes and personal items….the alcohol is much more important to him than the reality that his wife is having a traumatic experience in the hospital and really wants support. This isn’t the first time he has turned on me, so to speak….and it’s always, always about alcohol. Alcohol is King. He says he can’t be happy without it. He has never said he couldn’t be happy without me, that’s the difference. That is is focus. So, detachment? Yep…I am not even in love with this man anymore. Not the kind of love you should have for a spouse…I care what happens to him and I care for him, but the love you should feel is not there…he pushed me away too far and for too long… After 37 years, I am numb and have been for a number of years. Alcohol is a killer. A killer of relationships-A killer of happiness-A killer of growth and adventure. His “happiness” hinges on beer and without it, he sees himself as having nothing. It’s sick and it’s selfish, but I will survive..I can’t leave and I have no place to go, but in my mind, I am gone. I would say I believe this is a abusive relationship; it is for me. I once mentioned that he drove through two yards after he crossed the double line and went off the road after he passed out after heavy drinking. Even then, he blamed me for allowing him to stay at his happy place and drink more than he should because I said, “Go ahead, stay as long as you want” in a sarcastic tone. Many look at him and think he is quiet and easy going and think I have a good guy. Nobody ever knows what someone else is dealing with.