Home Forums Mentoring Community Forum Any ideas to speed up change?

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    • #4568
      Angela RamsdenAngela Brown

      Hi all
      I just thought I’d write and say how things are going for me at the moment.
      My husband and I are both retired. He drinks at home so it isn’t very easy for me to go on the ‘chat’ although I pop on whenever I can when he goes out to buy his wine.
      Fortunately I have some wonderful friends and I’ve even booked to go away with one for a holiday as I have told my husband that I don’t want to go on holiday with him while he drinks all day.
      He isn’t an aggressive drunk – more just a sleeping one.
      Sometimes I feel he seriously wants to stop – or as he says – he wants to be able to control it. But at other times I feel he’s quite happy as things are.

      He does seem to be a little better than he was two years ago but the progress is SO slow! I feel we’ll be too old to enjoy our retirement together by the time he sorts himself out.

      Any ideas how I can help/encourage to speed up the process of change for him?

    • #4578
      Cora McKennaCora McKenna

      Hi Angela, Y
      Thanks for sharing your story and I do empathise with you. It is so frustrating and upsetting to watch someone you love and care for letting their life drift on without them being truly in it.
      I found myself in a very similar situation to yourself, only difference being I was retired and he was not. His drinking was so bad at the weekends that I let so many joint activities/events slip pass as it wasn’t worth the effort and another failure was too painful to take.
      After many depressing months I woke up one day and made a conscious effort to regain my sense of self. I decided I wasn’t going to WAIT for him so that I could enjoy my life. I took control of me. I got my hair done every Friday. I met friends for coffee. I went to the Cinema alone or with a friend if they were available. Nature parks were a big favourite. I took up Dancercise ( best fun ever). I learnt to find fun and laughter in the small things in life.
      All the time I told him that I loved him and wanted to share my life with sober him. I cooked us nice dinners but left the room after eating if he was drunk. I took long hot baths and listened to soothing music. I also did a daily short meditation ( loads on YouTube) and I was totally honest with my friends and family about his drinking.
      No one judged me.
      I’m sure you know this but I remind myself daily of the following.
      You have not caused his drinking
      You cannot control his drinking
      and You cannot CURE his drinking
      Through Loving Detachment you can live a more fulfilled life and hope that he will join there some day soon.

      I wish you well. Trust in you.

      “I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.” _ William Allen White


    • #4580
      Angela RamsdenAngela Brown

      Hi Cora
      Thank you so much for your kind message. It’s so good to hear from other people in similar situations.
      In many ways I am happy – I am filling my days with my own hobbies and interests. What is missing from my retirement is just my husband as he’s not the same person when he’s drunk. Also the holidays and activities that my husband and I had planned and talked about before the drink took control. But hopefully one day they will happen.

      How has your week gone? Lou said last week that your husband was coming out of rehab this week. I do hope everything is going well. I’m thinking of you.


    • #4582
      Cora McKennaCora McKenna

      Hi Angela, thank you for your kind words. I really found today’s Webinar very relevant and thought provoking. Such a pity I could just not access the camera on my laptop. I was so frustrated but I had to give up trying as I couldn’t concentrate on the discussion.
      I’m happy to hear that you get out and do things for yourself. It took me a while to give myself this necessary push. My friends have been such a good support too.
      So yes we are 10 days out of rehab and Marks doing all he can to maintain his sobriety. I have a friend whom I’ve never met but she whatsapp’s me every day with some wise words, links to podcasts and Youtube inspirational speakers. She worked for over 30 years counselling families of addicts and my sister asked her to contact me. She lives in another part of the country but I’m hoping to meet up with her soon as she’s been so honest and direct with me.
      We took ourselves away for a few days before Mark goes back to work. It’s nice feeling normal again Angela. I want to pinch myself to make sure what I’m feeling is real!

      So it’s one small day at a time and live in each precious moment for us. I truly hope that your dear sweet husband will start to share more precious moments with you Angela.

      All the very best,

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