LEARN TO SHARE

SHARE is a new way of looking at your situation of living with a problem drinker.  As you have probably found out from bitter experience, focussing just on the drinking behaviour has not been very productive.  You have probably been met with one of two reactions (or maybe both) downright denial that there is a problem or promises to change that are constantly broken and renewed and re-broken.

What SHARE does is to make you focus on the actual effect that the drinker is having on your life.  That way you can see how the drinking threatens your livelihood, or your relationships or your health.  SHARE is not a tick list that will give you a meaningless score at the end.  This is a meaningful and personal look at and assessment of YOUR circumstances.  It is a powerful tool to give you a clearer picture of your circumstances and what you can do about it.  It is not difficult, however it does require you to take time and put effort into it.  The more time and effort you put in,­ the more you will gain.  This is probably the first time you have examined your life and circumstances in such detail and with such purpose.

SHARE is an acronym made from the initial letters of the areas of our lives that can be affected by the behaviour of a drinker.  These are as follows:-

Safety

Health

Ambition

Relationships

Environment

Safety

The first, and most important, area of your life that may be affected by drinking is your safety.  It is possible that he may be violent and aggressive when he is drinking.  So you may fear that you will be assaulted and beaten up, or you may feel that, although he has never been violent in the past, he is very aggressive verbally and you are frightened.  Clearly this is a situation that cannot be ignored.

Even if she is not aggressive or violent, and many drinkers are not, you may still fear for your safety.  She may smoke while drinking and you fear that she will fall asleep and start a fire.  Or she may be hungry when drunk and cook late at night when you are asleep.  He may drive when drinking and/or take the children with him.  When drunk, he may bring people to the house that you would rather not have in your home.  She may go out and leave the doors unlocked or the windows open.

There are many reasons that you may worry about your safety that are directly attributable to drinking.

Health

Although he may be the one who is drinking and he may say “Well who am I hurting, only me”.  This is not actually true.  You may find that your health is suffering and suffering badly through his drinking.

You may find that your level of anxiety is high, that you can’t sleep or eat.  Alternately you may find that you are depressed and that you are tired and sleepy much of the time and/or that you are eating for comfort.  So your weight may be dropping off or increasing rapidly.  You may have high levels of anxiety, irritability, mood swings all of which can be linked to the uncertainty inherent in living with a drinker.  Your self esteem is probably suffering and you feel indecisive and unsure of yourself.

You may find that you have more colds, infections rashes and that generally you don’t feel well.  Or you may find that you do not recover from seasonal illnesses as easily or quickly as you once did.

Ambition

We all have dreams, ambitions and aspirations about our future as individuals and, if appropriate, as a family.  These dreams and aspirations can be affected and even shattered by alcohol.  The shared dreams of marriage especially are casualties of drinking and perhaps also the dreams for the children.

Your ambitions may involve money, possessions, bigger house, clothes, car, holidays.  As we know drinking can seriously affect earning power.  Jobs can be lost through poor performance, absenteeism or disruptive behaviour.  Promotions or career advancements can be closed to a drinker who can become more resentful as she sees ‘inferior’ colleagues get promoted over her.

Even if you have a regular income, it can be frittered away on alcohol.  It can take a considerable amount of money to sustain heavy drinking and that cost competes with any other routes for your money or ambitions you may have.

Relationships

Unfortunately relationships are frequent victims of heavy drinking.  As the drinking increases all relationships, for example marriage or partnerships, relationships with children, siblings, parents and friends often suffer.  However as she drinks more and her behaviour becomes more unpredictable you probably find yourself withdrawing from the very people who might help you most, your friends.

Embarrassment, shame even guilt may stop you talking to your friends.  As you try harder to cover up his drinking it becomes harder to face your friends and lie to them, telling them everything is OK.

However if the drinker is your partner, husband or wife, then the biggest casualty of the drinking may be this relationship.  You probably find your feelings of love, respect, pride evaporating and sometimes being replaced by contempt, fear, loathing, distrust even hate.  You may feel guilty about these negative feelings, even try to process thhem healthily but in the end feel overwhelmed by the frequency of his failures.  You end up powerless to do anything about it as the relationship suffers.