Hi Christie
Welcome to the group and thank you for sharing so openly your story so far. I’m sure John would be able to share far more knowledge on this front (being a clinical Psychologist), but I think we often walk into adulthood seeking out relationships that mirror the ones we grew up with. Even if we do so unintentionally. It’s what we have grown up with, what we have been conditioned to, and I suppose it’s also what our nervous system is used to coping with (or attempting to cope with at least).
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a turbulent life so far. I can’t imagine how that must have been for you. You’ve definitely come to the right place. John and Lou are amazing and everyone here appears to be navigating similar things. Sometimes, it’s just a comfort to read other peoples stories, and know you aren’t alone.
My biggest bit advice to you is to start looking after YOU. Start putting yourself first. You more than anyone else deserves it. I too kept my husbands drinking issues secret from my friends, family and colleagues and it was only after having one-to-one sessions with John that I found the courage to start to begin to be open about it for the first time in my life. Looking back now, almost two years on from my first session with John, I realise it was only then that my own healing began to happen.
You can learn to love you. You can begin to heal. It takes courage and determination, and sometimes it isn’t easy, but you can get there.
Surround yourself with people who can support you. People that bring you joy. Do things that speak to your soul. Even if you do them on your own! Take time out to nurture yourself, to rest and recoup.
The moment I let go of the need to ‘fix’ or ‘heal’ my husband, was the same moment I started to understand I deserved to be in a relationship that supported my needs as much as it supported my husbands needs. Being married to an alcoholic is very one-sided, as partners we put our needs aside again and again. We feel bad because we know deep down they are good people, or they love us, or we hang on to the hope that ‘someday’ they will sort themselves and everything will work out just fine. Our desire for them to get better is often stronger than the desire for our needs to be met. We may feel financially stuck without them. Or there are kids involved. It can be SO complex.
But deep down, despite all of that, we know we deserve to be happy.
AND WE DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
Wishing all the courage in the world in order to get to that place Christie.
Big hugs from across the pond (UK)
Elizabeth x
