Hi Ben,
Thank you for your lovely, supportive message and taking the time to respond. It’s so difficult because there are days he presents himself as the kind, caring and loving person I fell in love with. But then there are days he is angry, defensive and challenging to say the least. I just don’t think he is ready yet to self-reflect on just how difficult this has been for me.
The problem I have is, at present, due to his Tourettes diagnosis, he isn’t working, as the role he had he can no longer do. He is a civil servant and the organisation he works for is trying to redeploy him into a different role. It’s proving to be a long, dragged out process and whilst that is happening, he isn’t earning anywhere near what he did in his old role. Because of this he is struggling to pay the bills and cover his half of the mortgage of our marital home. I know he has accumulated quite a but of debt in the process too, which is an added stress for us both.
Realistically, I could afford to cover the mortgage and the bills on my own, but he would struggle to find somewhere himself until he is settled into his new role and is earning a full wage again. So financially, I’m a bit stuffed until then.
The good thing is, the time living by myself has forced me to practice a huge amount of self-compassion, and that in itself proves to be quite empowering. I have more confidence in myself in setting strong boundaries (something I struggled with in close relationships prior to this happening). I do think, if I did return, I would be able to leave again very easily IF things didn’t work out. I am also wondering if couples counselling with Lou would help?
Anyway, that’s where we are. It’s still almost 2 months before I am due back and a lot can change in that time.
I hope things are proving a little better for yourself with your own situation. Sending a big hug back, Elizabeth xx
